by Marti

You could be rendered almost speechless. In fact, it could take a few days before you find the right words to express your feelings. Unusual as this may be, this situation could be balanced by increased awareness of the unseen bonds that tie people together.”

Stress is on unseen, because I cannot see, feel, taste or smell any sort of bonds recently, something’s happened without my knowing, which is fair enough, I don’t need to know about everything, yet I have this “hey people, what have you done here in my absence?!”-feeling.

Things are getting clear and cristallised, and in my own terms it means that duties and fun are not walking hand in hand anymore. I am not saying that work is not fun at all, I’m just saying that it’s not as superfunny as it used to be. One eye smiling and one eye crying, and my inner self’s got the crying one. I know I’ve been selfish and prodigal, this is me, I get addicted to goods far too easily and when they’re cut short, I’m just blinking like that frog in the aspic.

Long story short, the number of smiles around has dropped radically and it gives me the urge to force it back, but it just leads to nowhere. I know I shouldn’t do this, I shouldn’t start whining, honestly, I tried to hold it back but I couldn’t. I miss A, it’s just not OK that I cannot see her at work anymore. Seems like I got linked to new faces, who I have no idea what to do with, but not even the will to find it out. Stephanie was half right when she said I was too old for this job. I may be old, but not for the job but for the people surrounding me.

When I was a little girl, around the age of three and I went to kindergarten, one afternoon my mum and dad they held me up high in their arms, under the old pear tree in the backyard and they asked me if there was anyone in the kindergarten who I liked, a boy. That was the very first serious, meaningful question from my parents. With all my pure three years old heart I answered yes, there was this boy, called Zsolti, who I was in love with. I can’t remember what my dad’s reaction was but I very clearly remember what my mum answered, or rather not what she answered but the way she made me feel with her response: oh my baby girl, there must me a mistake in the way you feel, you should never be in love with a boy, with any boy, it is not good for you, this feeling will lead to misfortune.

That was one of the first memories in my life. It was a beautiful, lukewarm indian summer day, by the way.

* * *

When I grow up I want to be like Ms Riddle, she is a fine lady. I wish I could see her more often. Table two-eleven.

Advertisements